Sometimes you just have to get mad.

There’s actually two versions of this spell split up but they really work best together. So here you go.

So you’ve some nasty creepers hanging around. A ghost is rattling their chain and banging on walls. What a rude fucker. What do you do?

1. Summon your courage. Buck the fuck up. Look, ghosts are just dead people. Spirits might not be human but they’re still people. They might be assholes or they might be sweethearts. Don’t lump all ghosts and spirits together. I’m not saying don’t be scared because, fuck that, there’s invisible people in your house. That’s nightmare fuel. But you can be scared and still be brave.
2. Get pissed. No, really. Get fucking angry. This sort of behavior isn’t acceptable. Think of alllllllllll the reasons you want them gone. Channel your inner Hulk if you have to.
3. Open ALL the doors and windows as much as you can. Make sure you can get to every single window and door in all the rooms plus the basement and attic if you have one. Even the closets, crawlspaces, cupboards, etc. ALL OF THEM. I’m not saying fling open the doors that don’t or can’t be opened or let Spot the Housecat get outside but even cracking it the tiniest bit will help. Clean the hallways and pathways as you’ll need to move as quickly as you can. Locking up said pets in their carriers, crate, cages, etc. during this is helpful too. You might want to chase out other people too. I find exorcising shit works best when I’m alone or with another woo~ person or two is helpful. You can get kids involved too, as I’ll explain in point 7.
4. Give a warning. I tend to ask politely first and, if the behavior continues after I’ve requested it a few days later, I step up to the swearing and cursing. Tell those dead intruders to get the fuck out. Threaten their ass with an exorcism and banishing.
5. Now get the chalk, salt, holy / blessed water, and rosemary herb stick. FYI, neither salt nor holy water works all the time but it works most of the time. For an herb stick get a bunch of rosemary and dry it together in a bundle. Ta-da. Pour some salt in your water to dissolve it. I find sticking the water in a squirt bottle or water gun works well. Figure out a system that works well so you can carry the herb stick, water, salt, and chalk. I find using a small salt pouch clipped to my pants by a carabiner works remarkably well.
6. Prep your protection shit. Get that shit ready to go. I tend to use rosemary, salt water, salt, chalk, and bay. Whatever works for you. Put it all in the same room you start in if you can’t carry it with you.
7. Chase it the fuck out. Yell and move as quickly as you can. Tell it to get the fuck out. It’s not welcome here and it needs to fucking go. Tell it all sorts of lies like if it comes back you’ll eat it or sic your familiars on it. Just be as scary as possible. Start in the lowest portion of the house and work your way up. As you go, toss a light coating of salt at the windows, doors, closets, cupboards, etc. Spritz water in the same place as you’re throwing salt but also include the corners of the rooms and mirrors too. Slam door, window, cupboard, etc. shut. Now mark it with an ‘X’ in chalk. You could put a protection or banishing symbol up too. I just find the X easier. It should be clearly visible. If it isn’t, go back over it with the water. Do that with each and every room all the way up to the highest point of the house. It’s easier with more people and kids will have fun yelling at ghosts and throwing salt, squirting water, and slamming the windows and doors. If you’re lucky and have a third person available, they can come along behind you and lay on the protection right afterwards.
8. Make your home a fortress. Lock that shit up. Coat the glass, mirrors, faucets, etc with protection oil or water. Wash the floor in a protection floor was. Go ahead and wash the walls and doors too. As you clean and protect each room, feel free to wipe off any of those chalk ‘X’s you run across. Make sure you bolster those defenses every so often to keep shit out.

You want to be subtle about it? Fine. Steep rosemary in salt water for 10-15 minutes. Pour that in a drinking glass and open one single window or door. Now go from each room as subtly as you can in step seven. Skip the yelling but just dab or flick the water. Be sure to get all the windows, doors, mirrors, and corner.

Now this second part can be used along as a cleansing of the self or to get rid of the feel of someone that’s in your life or if you’re just feeling gross.

1. Open the windows and doors and clean the place up. Put shit back to where it’s suppose to be. Run laundry and do the dishes. It’ll take ten minutes top to clean the surfaces. Add some cleansing ingredients into the laundry if you feel it necessary. (I tossed in some salt and peppermint in a dark clothing load. Don’t put herbs in with your white or light color clothing. You’ll stain them. No, seriously, don’t.)
2. Throw salt. No, I’m not kidding. Throw salt. At mirrors, at windows, at doors, at the floor, at the computers (watch those keyboards!), at the faucets, on the floor, and on the stripped bed.
3. Incense the the place. This generally means you walk around with incense and let the smoke drift to all corners of the room. This step varies for me. Sometimes I’ll use incense, other times herbal sticks, or asperging. It all depends on what materials I have on hand. Make sure you get all the rooms and entrances (including faucets, mirrors, computers, windows, doors, archways, and corners).
4. Wash the floors, doors, windows, and maybe even the walls. I use a mix of water + salt + lemon + whatever ingredients I think need to be use (for prosperity, I’ll do a floor wash with different things than I would for a floor wash for protection.)
5. Pour a drink. Usually I drink vodka. Sometimes I have homemade lemonade. Depends on my mood. Whatever. Toss some delicious fucking food in a pan/oven/microwave. It could even be a sandwich. Make that food and drink and put it aside.
6. Take that drink with you and hop in the bath and/or shower. Use those bath products you accumulate and forget to use. If you don’t have any “borrow” some from a housemate. Or don’t. Whatever the works for you. Pamper yourself. Put on music, drink your drink, and cleanse yourself. I tend to imagine the water taking all the shit and washing it down the drain.
7. Eat that delicious food, sit your ass down and watch TV. Or read a book. Play a game. Take a nap. Pet the cat/dog/turtle/plushie. Surf the web (but avoid social media. You don’t need that shit right now. You really don’t.) Do something for just you for an hour or two. And ignore all the other shit for a while.

There. Congrats. You’ve cleansed yourself and you’ve given yourself the break you need.

(For those eyeing this and saying “but I don’t actually need to clean the place, do I?” Yeah, yeah you do. Unless your home is from the pages of a catalog, you need to clean off what catches the eye. Counters, a simple sweep, dishes, and obvious “that’s not suppose to be there” should be sorted. It helps hugely. It’s a physical manifestation of the shit you need to deal with and going around cleansing the place and yourself but not cleaning the house at least on the surface is useless. Really. If you don’t believe me try it yourself. One day cleanse the house/room and don’t clean. A few days later do it again but clean first this time. You’ll notice the difference. Promise.)

Now a lot of you will look at that and think “that’s not magic”. It CAN be magic – depends on the intent or spells you use during the process – but the simple act of doing mundane things and taking some time for the self can be immensely restorative. Having a clean home actually does calm the mind and helps you think. There’s less “ugh” feeling.

That’s it! Happy casting!

Originally posted on tumblr here and here.